A bridge does not move.

I arrived here yesterday . Back in the big apple . I am here for a reason . Yet my days are not quite clear. I realized after unpacking clearing out the dust of my sublets room , wherever I go there I am. I ran . I ate tuna. I wrote emails to people . I connected with beings as much as I could. I went down by the Hudson a sat on a rock . Nature spots follow me . I am lucky beyond measure for that gift. I looked down at lower Manhattan and I sat on that rock , thinking how many times have I sat on this rock , with these questions, and how many more times in this life will I revisit this rock. in cities towns lakes islands around the world I revisit this rock and I revisit this question ; what now ? I sit there for what seems like an eternity and then I come back to myself my breath and I walk away .
This bridge that I look out on ; The George Washington Bridge from my widow the one that lights up at night like my eyes every time I fall in love. lately.
I walked towards this bridge last night, towards this new address I get to cal home , for a time . I saw that that bridge does not move. I move . but the bridge does not. I can look at it and see that I am existing amongst all this life force solid rooted doing it's job. carrying . holding me tight.

Watermelons

I buy a new watermelon every couple of days lately . I eat the whole thing within a two day period . I like watermelons, it's almost as good as cake and doesn't give you love handles . So I go to the Super Stop & Shop (there are a few around here so it depends which one I'm closest to. ) I pick one out and I smack on it , supposedly you want it to not be hollow that's one of the tricks I've learned from the bearded produce men. I bring the watermelon up to him , yes I choose the men because in my mind they know their watermelons and because they will do what I want more than women will . He takes it back cuts it in half to see if it's that rosy darling color you wish you're lips could pucker up to without any lipstick. Once cut he wraps it up in halves and together and I bring it up to the cashier get rung up to a delightful 4.99 and continue my travels.
Watermelon is one of the many highlights of my summer. I indulge in these things because I have to, because I have a sweet tooth that would make me 400 lbs if I didn't keep it on a leash. I strap my watermelon into the passenger seat with me, and look over and pat it's belly. thank you I say.

.. So I trust too.

I'm here to tell stories .
I am here to acknowledges you as part of me. I am here to fall in love. I am here to make use of these hands this body, voice and mind. I am here to question solve and ask again . I am here to fail miserably . I am here to laugh. I am here to be called out on my shit . Movement is all I ask for , continuous flow , in stillness, in running up hills , in text , Movement closer to love .
Happiness hit her like a train her heart is more opened more than she knew presently possible.
She saw for the first time , this was all possible , and not just possible but a duty. A place to head out towards to follow , the dog days are over , there is somewhere for me to be.

Appendix

I used to have this gigantic fear that at any moment my appendix would explode. People worried about that a lot more 10 years ago, now we worry about more sophisticated things. We have apps for our appendixes and GPS for navigating our colons . I am suffering from cramps on the left side of my abdomen, and I went back for a moment to that childhood fear the "explosion." I thought for a moment it would be such a fluke way to die and at the same time hopefully rather painless and quick , which would be nice because the idea of waiting for death ( even though that's what's really going on anyway ) but knowing time , and speaking dying , yea that , it would just be a bummer. Than the first thought to myself if this really is the case was; " I should eat more chocolate chip cookies." I should let myself enjoy heaven on earth. I should let they boy that plays in the dirt and touches me like rain have my heart. I should laugh more. I should cry. I should write and paint and follow my heart even when it's a surprise. I should bake and trust and eat their cooking regardless . I should think more about you and less about me. I should settle in my skin long enough to make space. vast long wide sunsetting space that's not everlasting that's not guaranteed anything but exactly this second.

Relations with humans

It's about relating , but I spend most a lot of time not relating . Complaining , blaming, disappointing, expecting. I see that "relating " can only be positive in order to do it right. It's about sticking my neck out, it's communicating with true words or at least hand signals, it's the other person if not understanding trying to or better yet empathising with. Not in order to be "good" but because they are sharing in this with you. I want to share well most of the time. Sometimes sharing is not my thing, like when I'm starved and the restaurant's pricey and my mom says let's just share, or when I have a chocolate chip cookie and it's melting and gooey and I don't want to spit it in half with you. But I do because it's better shared all of this is , all of this is better shared. Still lived through as this individual whole circle a whole being bumping into your whole being like bumper cars then getting back on the road or court and going for a new ride seeing who else there is to bump into who else can make a tattoo on this heart like stamps and stickers layering until it forms a thick collage a mosaic of life and years .

Grounding

I need to play in the dirt, hug trees , eat more root veggies, stand still, not multi task, drop down to earth, But I am balloon like , floating on air. This is not what I pictured my life to be. But this is it , at least today.
How do I begin to ask for things ? I'm learning I can ask for these things that I want in my life , but I have to be specific and clear, I have to know. But I don't know lots of the time , lots of the time I just don't know yet.
So , what do I do? I float on up in my little red balloon and I ask for it vaguely, using a few key words to summarize something extravagant, something that deserves attention. I get what I asked for , but it's not what I want. The planning, the time, the careful attention did not occur prior to my asking so I wind up realizing it's not really what I truly want.
It's time that is hard, it's waiting to know that is painful , it's the this , and this all disappoints me sometimes.

Bïyan bolzïn

( THANK you for )
1. Fruity gum
2. Being slipped an extra 25 bucks while serving pasta.
3. Movie stars in the grocery store.
4. Hot water and jets .
5. Continual reminders , ones that tell you ' you're okay, and tens minutes later say ' you're still okay.
6. Boston. Chicago. Portland. Philly. NYC.
7. Peoples that I love , peoples that change me .
8. Disease and Faith , Faith being bigger.
9. Fans that rock you to sleep.
10. Good stories .
11. Masters at things to give minions like me advice.
12. Seasons .
13. This Big Blue Book , just knowing it's here.
14. Beautiful women , who inspire me.
15. Push up bras that make you feel like someone else.
16. Hewlett . This HP that gave me something to touch when I couldn't find you in all this space.
17. Burgers with cheese.