Appendix

I used to have this gigantic fear that at any moment my appendix would explode. People worried about that a lot more 10 years ago, now we worry about more sophisticated things. We have apps for our appendixes and GPS for navigating our colons . I am suffering from cramps on the left side of my abdomen, and I went back for a moment to that childhood fear the "explosion." I thought for a moment it would be such a fluke way to die and at the same time hopefully rather painless and quick , which would be nice because the idea of waiting for death ( even though that's what's really going on anyway ) but knowing time , and speaking dying , yea that , it would just be a bummer. Than the first thought to myself if this really is the case was; " I should eat more chocolate chip cookies." I should let myself enjoy heaven on earth. I should let they boy that plays in the dirt and touches me like rain have my heart. I should laugh more. I should cry. I should write and paint and follow my heart even when it's a surprise. I should bake and trust and eat their cooking regardless . I should think more about you and less about me. I should settle in my skin long enough to make space. vast long wide sunsetting space that's not everlasting that's not guaranteed anything but exactly this second.

Relations with humans

It's about relating , but I spend most a lot of time not relating . Complaining , blaming, disappointing, expecting. I see that "relating " can only be positive in order to do it right. It's about sticking my neck out, it's communicating with true words or at least hand signals, it's the other person if not understanding trying to or better yet empathising with. Not in order to be "good" but because they are sharing in this with you. I want to share well most of the time. Sometimes sharing is not my thing, like when I'm starved and the restaurant's pricey and my mom says let's just share, or when I have a chocolate chip cookie and it's melting and gooey and I don't want to spit it in half with you. But I do because it's better shared all of this is , all of this is better shared. Still lived through as this individual whole circle a whole being bumping into your whole being like bumper cars then getting back on the road or court and going for a new ride seeing who else there is to bump into who else can make a tattoo on this heart like stamps and stickers layering until it forms a thick collage a mosaic of life and years .