A bridge does not move.

I arrived here yesterday . Back in the big apple . I am here for a reason . Yet my days are not quite clear. I realized after unpacking clearing out the dust of my sublets room , wherever I go there I am. I ran . I ate tuna. I wrote emails to people . I connected with beings as much as I could. I went down by the Hudson a sat on a rock . Nature spots follow me . I am lucky beyond measure for that gift. I looked down at lower Manhattan and I sat on that rock , thinking how many times have I sat on this rock , with these questions, and how many more times in this life will I revisit this rock. in cities towns lakes islands around the world I revisit this rock and I revisit this question ; what now ? I sit there for what seems like an eternity and then I come back to myself my breath and I walk away .
This bridge that I look out on ; The George Washington Bridge from my widow the one that lights up at night like my eyes every time I fall in love. lately.
I walked towards this bridge last night, towards this new address I get to cal home , for a time . I saw that that bridge does not move. I move . but the bridge does not. I can look at it and see that I am existing amongst all this life force solid rooted doing it's job. carrying . holding me tight.

Watermelons

I buy a new watermelon every couple of days lately . I eat the whole thing within a two day period . I like watermelons, it's almost as good as cake and doesn't give you love handles . So I go to the Super Stop & Shop (there are a few around here so it depends which one I'm closest to. ) I pick one out and I smack on it , supposedly you want it to not be hollow that's one of the tricks I've learned from the bearded produce men. I bring the watermelon up to him , yes I choose the men because in my mind they know their watermelons and because they will do what I want more than women will . He takes it back cuts it in half to see if it's that rosy darling color you wish you're lips could pucker up to without any lipstick. Once cut he wraps it up in halves and together and I bring it up to the cashier get rung up to a delightful 4.99 and continue my travels.
Watermelon is one of the many highlights of my summer. I indulge in these things because I have to, because I have a sweet tooth that would make me 400 lbs if I didn't keep it on a leash. I strap my watermelon into the passenger seat with me, and look over and pat it's belly. thank you I say.

.. So I trust too.

I'm here to tell stories .
I am here to acknowledges you as part of me. I am here to fall in love. I am here to make use of these hands this body, voice and mind. I am here to question solve and ask again . I am here to fail miserably . I am here to laugh. I am here to be called out on my shit . Movement is all I ask for , continuous flow , in stillness, in running up hills , in text , Movement closer to love .
Happiness hit her like a train her heart is more opened more than she knew presently possible.
She saw for the first time , this was all possible , and not just possible but a duty. A place to head out towards to follow , the dog days are over , there is somewhere for me to be.

Appendix

I used to have this gigantic fear that at any moment my appendix would explode. People worried about that a lot more 10 years ago, now we worry about more sophisticated things. We have apps for our appendixes and GPS for navigating our colons . I am suffering from cramps on the left side of my abdomen, and I went back for a moment to that childhood fear the "explosion." I thought for a moment it would be such a fluke way to die and at the same time hopefully rather painless and quick , which would be nice because the idea of waiting for death ( even though that's what's really going on anyway ) but knowing time , and speaking dying , yea that , it would just be a bummer. Than the first thought to myself if this really is the case was; " I should eat more chocolate chip cookies." I should let myself enjoy heaven on earth. I should let they boy that plays in the dirt and touches me like rain have my heart. I should laugh more. I should cry. I should write and paint and follow my heart even when it's a surprise. I should bake and trust and eat their cooking regardless . I should think more about you and less about me. I should settle in my skin long enough to make space. vast long wide sunsetting space that's not everlasting that's not guaranteed anything but exactly this second.

Relations with humans

It's about relating , but I spend most a lot of time not relating . Complaining , blaming, disappointing, expecting. I see that "relating " can only be positive in order to do it right. It's about sticking my neck out, it's communicating with true words or at least hand signals, it's the other person if not understanding trying to or better yet empathising with. Not in order to be "good" but because they are sharing in this with you. I want to share well most of the time. Sometimes sharing is not my thing, like when I'm starved and the restaurant's pricey and my mom says let's just share, or when I have a chocolate chip cookie and it's melting and gooey and I don't want to spit it in half with you. But I do because it's better shared all of this is , all of this is better shared. Still lived through as this individual whole circle a whole being bumping into your whole being like bumper cars then getting back on the road or court and going for a new ride seeing who else there is to bump into who else can make a tattoo on this heart like stamps and stickers layering until it forms a thick collage a mosaic of life and years .

Grounding

I need to play in the dirt, hug trees , eat more root veggies, stand still, not multi task, drop down to earth, But I am balloon like , floating on air. This is not what I pictured my life to be. But this is it , at least today.
How do I begin to ask for things ? I'm learning I can ask for these things that I want in my life , but I have to be specific and clear, I have to know. But I don't know lots of the time , lots of the time I just don't know yet.
So , what do I do? I float on up in my little red balloon and I ask for it vaguely, using a few key words to summarize something extravagant, something that deserves attention. I get what I asked for , but it's not what I want. The planning, the time, the careful attention did not occur prior to my asking so I wind up realizing it's not really what I truly want.
It's time that is hard, it's waiting to know that is painful , it's the this , and this all disappoints me sometimes.

Bïyan bolzïn

( THANK you for )
1. Fruity gum
2. Being slipped an extra 25 bucks while serving pasta.
3. Movie stars in the grocery store.
4. Hot water and jets .
5. Continual reminders , ones that tell you ' you're okay, and tens minutes later say ' you're still okay.
6. Boston. Chicago. Portland. Philly. NYC.
7. Peoples that I love , peoples that change me .
8. Disease and Faith , Faith being bigger.
9. Fans that rock you to sleep.
10. Good stories .
11. Masters at things to give minions like me advice.
12. Seasons .
13. This Big Blue Book , just knowing it's here.
14. Beautiful women , who inspire me.
15. Push up bras that make you feel like someone else.
16. Hewlett . This HP that gave me something to touch when I couldn't find you in all this space.
17. Burgers with cheese.

The Hungry Caterpillar

So, it's Spring and I'm just feeling different .
It's the bogs of winter undressing, there's been enough soul searching just give me a day at the beach. I wrote you a letter , I will not share on the blog. But I wrote you , yes you, who's out there , you who I haven't met yet. I'm choosing to take my heart out of the frozen food section for some time. I'm choosing to let my day unfold as it will , regardless of me, I'm choosing to tap into the vast ocean that is floating me along. I'm choosing to trust my gut even if I think I should push. I'm choosing to eat cake more , even though sugars not good for me, I'm choosing to mess up enough be human again. I'm choosing to speak up in the elevator that we ride together because you could just be those words that change everything. I'm choosing to trust even when it sucks even when they don't take cash. I'm choosing to look at what I do want , instead of what I don't. I'm choosing to ask for bigger things things I didn't think I could ever have things only the real game players got to have. Guess I'm choosing to be in the game.

Post it !

Wow I don't keep up on my blog. I get distracted bye all there is here. Staying focused on one thing is nearly impossible, I'm learning I'm experiencing severe growing pains. Like the ones I felt in middle school when my thighs started to stretch and my chest grew larger and sore. I know it's detailed, but only because I remember that feeling of stretching skin. It's the same feeling I experience when I learn lessons.
So today was a DAY . Drove to Boston was wait listed 5 hours for an audition I did not make it into the room for. I flew back to the Berkshires for a yoga class no one came to, and from there attempted my 6 mile run as it started to rain I lowered it to 2 miles. I must say this day was not up to me, and If I had been in charge it would not have happened the way it did. As my friend Katie said this morning; " You know when something's supposed to happen it's just easy." That is usually true. Today I believe was supposed to happen , but it certainly did not happen the way I imagined. Maybe I was supposed to meet two angels , enjoy a chai tea across from BU, or maybe I was supposed to sit outside that room and watch actors come in and out and see what I've chosen to call my work, or maybe I was supposed to force myself to the brink so that I could let myself cry from exit 11 to 9 on the mass pike and just get rid of the blues I've been milking for the past week. Let's keep it easy for today.

Day Three

I thought to myself this morning after Biology. That's it 3 days is more than enough for this body. But 20 minutes later I felt fine like I could keep it up. Okay facts : I have a lot less energy. stomach cramps . kinda slow thoughts . slow in general. headaches on and off. But then there's this ease I'm feeling I begin to worry or get caught up and then I just settle and take a little step forward instead of a big one. My reason for doing this is to SLOW down. And the cleanse forces me to , I don't know if that's a good reason to or not and of course I want the physical benefits as well. But I've not taken on so much this week , I've observed more then participated I've listened to the rain and there's been a lot of it. My internal world usually feels in a rush in movement ( DIgestion ? )Normally I have to do yoga instead of want to stop them mind. But I am looking for how to stop the mind from rambling without anything , just me. The thing about me is I change, I am just not always willing to come along for the ride. I want the new thing immediately. It's the body working through stuff , and just leaving it alone, instead of trying to figure it out.
SO for today I'll stick with it . Cayenne pepper and all .

The Master Cleanse Day One

Just the title feels out of my league. The word master frightens me , I don't want to be a master at anything that I think would make me mean and kinda a bitch. But, I am embarking on this cleanse this week . My reasons for it are not exactly sure yet. I worried over it all week and decided to let myself decide when the day came , If I was feeling like it was a good idea or not . I woke up this morning and thought ; " Yea why not " So I'm on my 3rd glass of water, maple syrup , cayenne pepper and lemon juice. It's actually quite yummy , I probably won't be saying that in 4 days. My goal is 5 days , but we will see. I am taking it in steps.
Before I started I gave up caffeine and that was the worst headaches ever! But , now the fog is lifting and I'm over the caffeine withdrawal hump I must say that coffee Is such a hard one for me I want to love it and cherish it and sip it like a hummingbird but I become I gulper and I long for it and drink it more and more until I feel myself turning into a crisp espresso bean. I can feel my teeth and tounge coated in it's pungency. I've never been good at moderation. We'll see how I do with the "Lemonade " (That's what the master calls it. )

"When I'm not doing something that comes deeply from me, I get bored. When I get bored I get distracted and when I get distracted, I become depressed. It's a natural resistance, and it insures your integrity."

I beg you
Do something
Learn a dance step
Something to justify your existence
Something that gives you the right
To be dressed in your skin in your body hair
Learn to walk and to laugh
Because it would be too senseless
After all
For so many to have died
While you live
Doing nothing with your life.

20 reasons to be happy right now .

1. I have an abundance of good meals , full fridge , dinners out ( usually with my daddy) Let's say " I do not go hungry "
2. This purple chewing gum
3. A shower . clean hair and shaved legs .
4. Youth, youth they say wasted on the young , well maybe my prior youth , but this most recent of "youths" not wasted on this jelly bean.
5. A friend in Naples to visit.
6. Whitey running strong.
7. A five dollar off coupon for jiffy lube's oil change .
8. Free yoga .
9. That magical place they call the YMCA .
10. Applesauce existing.
11. Visiting Nana in a few , and she doesn't know it yet.
12. music.
13. A body that can dance and move sometimes to the beat.
14. A new blanket on my bed.
15. The fact that my hair is growing .
16. Baking blogs ruling .
17. My family being so silly , and so beautiful .
18. Albany, just Albany.
19. Katie's going on retreat.
20. Each day's a little longer.

I'm going to be ready for it

I say lately that "I'm going to be ready for it when it comes ." This is my outlet, bear with me. So , I think I know when I ask for it and really know what I'm asking for I'll get it. Thing is I haven't asked for it on purpose . I guess mainly because I don't want to fuck it up, I want to be ready for it , I want to take care of it , I want to be nice once I have it .
I saw a boy on the dance floor, I liked his face and the way he moved and I wanted to say something to him, and I didn't . I wanted to say something silly , like how I liked his moves , but I didn't. I didn't want to see what I could or couldn't do , like either way it would hurt. I chose to leave that up to the girls that stood around his huddle trying to listen in on what the boys were saying and purposing existing . I wanted to leave it up to them because they seem to spend so much more time on their eyeliner than I do , and because they seem to want it more , and therefore deserve it more. But there's a part of me that feels left out bye myself, a part of me that wants to fight for it. There's a part of me that's itching to be ready for it , for real ready for it , not standing in a phony lounge waiting to be asked out . There's a part of me that wants and believes she could meet him on the dance floor in plaid and screaming the lyrics to "love machine ," and there's a part of me that wants to daydream it , because the ache of being disappointed crushes this girls world , and hurts her heart too much. There's also a part of me that wants to dive in , to fall without caring about more broken bones. There's a part of me that wants to do it like everyone else does it or seems to , not having to know why. There's a part of me that wants to trust so badly she knows how this is going to turn out, so good so good that the waiting could turn out to be the best part. I'm scared about love.

Whip IT good

So , I want to join a roller derby team, and I want my name to be :" Crush em cupcake " Just putting that out there.

The curse of the day of Saturn

Saturday's have been rough days for me these past few months. I don't know what it is about the day. I used to feel that way about Sunday's when I lived in NYC because it meant the week was about start and I never felt ready. Like literally I could never prepare myself for the world awaiting me.
Today I try more to be nicer to myself. To just be enough right now.
But back to Saturdays they have caused me some pain , I seem to crash on this particular day , I am floored by exhaustion or whatever and the idea of just letting myself "rest" is hardly within reach. But I need to rest , as humans we need to take the time to recharge. I feel that my multi tasking skills are so good that even while I'm recharging I'm working, I'm thinking I'm trying to create more. Funny thing is ; Saturday is ruled by the planet Saturn and Saturn represents ; dicipline, and getting shit done. Funny thing is we kinda do that all week , don't we ? And then Saturday rolls around and I feel an even stronger push or urge to get stuff done , but my body disagrees it say's okay , enough! rest time , go eat a cookie and chill out princess.

Templating

I wanted templating to be word ! But it is not . I figured I had to say hi, considering the Blog is looking so fancy all of a sudden. I leave for Chicago in the morning to visit Katie and Randi will be joining us.
Can I just say I hate packing for small trips. I like long ones that take me cross the country for a few months , stuffing my car with everything you could ever need, boy life is good .

Just don't do the next wrong thing

So I'm overwelmed easily it takes everything and nothing for my life to seem unmanagable , completely out of control. It takes a phone call, an unexpected appointment a blank thought, emptiness. God forbid that emptiness. That feeling that there's nothing here I'm sinking down into the earth with out a insight or thought to pass on.
My point tonight , just do the next RIGHT thing .
What is it ? Simple: Take a shower . Brush your teeth. Read your book.
Do not take on the world tonight, Sam. It doesn't need your help at this moment.
They say ( they being someone's name I cannot remember)
" If we take care of the moments , the years will take care of themselves . "
It can be so hard to trust these moments each one linking itself to the giant quilt that is my life . The fabric the pattern always changing, becoming more intricate and precise more individual , more me.
Trust.
Night .

the Me

I sit here eating boiling applesauce with raisins . yes burning my mouth but loving every bite . Wanting to fall into my slumbers sooner than later tonight to be ready for yoga at 6:30 am. I wonder how my life will be , how this story could possibly unfold. Where will I live ? and what will my days be filled with ? Who will I come home to ? Will I have cats or dogs ? It's hard to know these things , because it takes knowing yourself , which I'm discovering daily molds and changes.
I've spent most of my last 23 years , doing the things I thought I should do , the things I thought would make people notice , it's interesting how much the inside is neglected when you're main concern is other's reactions. I guess it's simply me being enough, and even if I don't know me entirely or even a half, that's enough , it's better then leaving myself outside the door.
I watched my brother play basketball tonight and sat next to a cute boy. I sat down next to him and we hit it off and I was excited for a moment. A connection. Someone my age. Into nutrition. Into fitness. I call him a boy although he was my age plus a few.
He was simply a good looking nice guy. I thought about us getting to know each other.I thought about all the basketball games we'd attend. I thought about our simple lives together. I then I for the first time since I opened my mouth to speak to him, I thought about me. The me that was at the game, the me that was getting sleepy , the me that was teaching yoga at the YMCA in the morning, the me that was daily working on herself and learning love for real and for the first time , the kind of love that takes the time it needs. As he walked away to get a hot dog. I saw me there , me alone , and I felt perfectly okay.