Letter to Myself

I was inspired by "Joy the Baker " and bye an assignment I remember from the Artist's way . To write a letter to myself as a old women say 40 years from now, I'd be 64 ( yes like the Beatles's song ) What I would have to say to Sam today , Sam right now.

Dear Sam,

Stop the rush. Take the time to smell the roses. Take the time to experience it all, all of it , the boring , the breathtaking , the sad, the lonely the silly. Be in it , there really is no where else to be. Be easier on yourself, you are not, and never will be perfect so might as well stop trying. Enjoy this time, what you have right here and right now. Boring and dull as it seems you will long for it someday. Take this time , it is a gift , see it for that. Someday there will be family, work, careers, pets, more than enough of all that you want. Take this time to notice these things these things surrounding you. Enjoy yourself, have fun with all of it , all of it, this is your playground. Play more . Love these people , even when they piss you off , especially when they piss you off, love them more. Laugh more. You don't laugh nearly enough. And know it's all going to change , you're going to change, so stop trying to hold on so tightly. It's much easier to just go with the flow, and believe me things will happen. Your life will be amazing, you can trust yourself , and know you are divine . Loving you . my self.

Funk it

Winter funks suck. I've been in one , not having much control over the light , feeling stuck. That I believe is the worst feeling by far, "this too shall pass," "today is a new day," it's easy to say all this jazz but really feeling it can be hard! I have a stubborn mind. I realized three things (maybe 4 that change things around for me when the power's out) 1. Be Grateful; it's so obvious I know , but when I'm really grateful there's no room to be much else. 2. Talk to people , instead for some reason I want to flip off this planet of wacky apes , and spend my hours convincing myself I am not one of them. 3. Like myself, really like myself , right now at this moment, take a minute to remind myself what's good about me , what I already have instead of the constant gimee gimees.
4. DANCE . Just Dance ! Now this is more difficult as of late which had added to these winter blues. Reason being I'm coming to terms that I am not a "dancer" in the sense that I wish. I am a dancer because of the simple fact that I dance (especially when no one is looking)But I have been faced with alot of ,"So you think YOU can dance ?" I've been taking a lot of classes , intermediate modern ( way out of my league) , zumba , and on top of it I'm teaching a Dance / Fitness class as of the New Year ! Every cell in my groovin body screams, (what if they discover you're not really a dancer?) Than I begin to take something fun and turn it into a chore. OKAY , back to #4 Point of my tirade : DANCE , no matter what ! Move the body , move the spirit , let yourself turn on the lights.

Questions that are on my mind . .

"We must accept that this creative pulse within us is God's creative pulse itself."

They say you just substitute one addiction for another blah blah. . my addictions (which could be understood as gratitude's as well) of the solstice are ; pumpkin cream ora, apple sauce with raisins, 6:30 am yoga . face book (ugh). dancing bodies. snow falling . my electric heater. the fire place. pulse . the Ellen d show. tastespotting.com GO ! G Jar. Sag Aloo Paneer .

What am I waiting for ?
Where do I start ? Say, I've already started how do I gage my ever so slow process? How do I change without leaving what is good for me? How do I sit down and create something when I'm distracted by every blinking light? How do I start when my mind feels empty and blank ?
I'm inspired. I'm in love with all the floating worlds.
BAM . I'm down and out there's no juice , no fire in my belly , no sparkle , or is there?
It's subtle , but i don't know or recognize that . That comes differently , peacefully actually .
So, how do you stay at it , and not suffocate not push something out that hasn't matured enough, that's maybe just not ready.
( Is that just a muddy excuse)
What do you do in the meantime?

Have I arrived ? Am I home ?

I must be Grateful

How easy it can be for me to be grateful for what I once had , the nostalgia as they call it. I remember how good it was , for the most part I seem to always acknowledge the good that went on. Thing is , how can I cultivate that in the here and now . Appreciate and recognize how perfect this is . I think the reason I can see it clearer and love it fuller when it's in the past , so I don't have to feel responsible for it . I can afterwards trust it , for having happened and I can see how perfect it actually was , and how I wouldn't have changed a thing, Thank you for; a body. sweet potatoes with marshmallow . classics on tv. holiday commercials. turkey trots. waking up clear and fresh. silence . chopped wood. this home. these people everywhere I go , making my life alive. old pictures. eating . curling up in blankets . kids who experience . parents with energy . gripping life . frozen yogurt. ny times . knowing this is just the beginning. this second here and now. farm houses. craft projects. patience . patience . solitude. her . this chance to be here.

Seize the Day

My day's seem full. I tend to fit as much in as I can , I mean why not ? As Brett Say's " Blessed is this Life , and I'm gonna Celebrate Being Alive ." ( Shout out ; Randi is seeing him tonight in Detroit ! )
I can say I never am fully satisfied, I don't know if I'm supposed to be , but there are those moments those perfectly silly moments
when I'm rolling on the carpet out of breath from the run I never thought I could do, or looking down at my toes and loving them because they're mine, or the kids at the Y, or flirting with a stranger across a deli even tho he may not be flirting back. Just these moments. I saw an old friend today who inspired me , and brought me back to life for the few minutes I was out. (BUT I will say in my world felt extremely apocalyptic.)
He reminded me why we do what we do , as artists . We create because if we don't we stay small. This yearning for something that is filling that is more than what we can receive from this material world . It's being a part of creation.

Why I Must Move

I am in a weird spot , I want to work , I want to do what I love as work , so that it's no longer called work, it's called play.
Thing is I'm realizing; it takes focus and discipline.
Not things I lack but words that I can avoid like the plague.
How can someone crave freedom and stability so strongly at the same time ?
So I'm , I'm going to start teaching yoga, I'm going to get my group fitness instruction certification, and I'm going to put on a play!
Instead of this bullshit swishy washy stuff I regurgitate, and whine over. This is my life , here and now, and so lets get started Sammy !
Plus it was helpful today for me to remember, as I swimming laps in the pool, the sign I saw out in San Fran at the Gratitude Cafe it was a quote that read ;You are being provided for.
ALSO a thought on why I must move ,title o the blog; I have to move my body , I practice my yoga, run, swim , dance, hike whatever I can fit in my days. And I thought today about how happy people are when they're in there bodies and taking care of themselves. AND I think the reason for it is because you're taking control of your body your holding it and feeling it and saying "Shit I have the power to change it or make it better or just be nicer to it or express it differently." If I'm able to sit and feel ME SaM in my body, I see the whole universe and I see purple candy skies . SO that's why I must move.

I'm not sure what's cooler her, or her pants .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTcLhOlIk5I

Not a Debbie-Downer !

My acting teacher used to say ; " If you don't know what you want, at least know what you don't want!"
I have an easier time looking at this, and not because I am a glass half-empty kinda girl, but because there is so much I want I do not know what to even start with most of the time. I sometimes feel like a kid in a candy store I don't know what to choose so I run around tasting everything , and all I come out with is a wicked sugar high.
I don't want;
I don't want a job that I don't love.
I don't want to settle for love.
I don't want people to wear shoes in my house.
I don't want to run around just to run around.
I don't want to miss out bye rushing through life.
I don't want to miss the moments.
I don't want to be cold.
I don't want to be resentful.
I don't want eat fast.
I don't want to say mean things to myself.
I don't want to use my kids to dump my shit onto.
I don't want to take any of this very seriously.
I don't want to worry and stress.
I don't want to ever stop growing.

Exercise can be silly fun, and Austin ( my mom's dog ) looks like leaves .

Running can be fun when you play dress up. Today I had on my 80's attire , leg warmers , windbreaker sweats, and red cap. Austin did not need to play dress up , he already is foliage.

Early Turkey Day

Today's Gratitude; warm baths , early turkey dinners , extra chocolate sauce , books that are there to inspire, smart people who admit they're a mess, Pandora, highs school sweet hearts, candy corn, smooth move tea, cranberry out of the can, spices from the dollar store, meeting an old friend in the baking aisle.

Blog SHOT take 1 ; 

We had an early turkey dinner tonight with friends, and the dinner topic was college . When I graduated HS one told me I had to do anything , no one sat me down to "talk college." I also wasn't given the parents who stuck it out, not that they didn't care, we just didn't do teamwork , instead we were off tightly gripping our individual battle axe,  ready to fend for ourselves.

On the other hand  I was given an open canvas, a wide world , enough freedom to find refuge in feeling utterly clueless. I still today remain clueless, and overwhelmed and in envy of discipline. My little brother's made the choice to apply early decision to Skidmore. I admire the certainty in choice like that. I envy a comfort that must come in at least thinking you know what you want to do with your life. The fact that he can even pinpoint it enough to  make up words for what it is ! 

When I'm lucky I can express my longing only in grunts , sighs and breakdowns. I do not know how to make words let alone jobs that pay me . I can only express it as a  dire calling. A calling that causes pain when it's ignored, like a child it suffers and cries and throws a temper.  My longing is constantly flying above my head, a kite on a overly blustery day all tangled , and seemingly lately no opportunity to settle and mend. 

There was a reason Turkey dinner came early this year this was not it; there is power in action. My artist is expressing herself , no matter how silly or grammatically incorrect , or even just shitty. I'm ready for my real life to begin.