I'm going to be ready for it

I say lately that "I'm going to be ready for it when it comes ." This is my outlet, bear with me. So , I think I know when I ask for it and really know what I'm asking for I'll get it. Thing is I haven't asked for it on purpose . I guess mainly because I don't want to fuck it up, I want to be ready for it , I want to take care of it , I want to be nice once I have it .
I saw a boy on the dance floor, I liked his face and the way he moved and I wanted to say something to him, and I didn't . I wanted to say something silly , like how I liked his moves , but I didn't. I didn't want to see what I could or couldn't do , like either way it would hurt. I chose to leave that up to the girls that stood around his huddle trying to listen in on what the boys were saying and purposing existing . I wanted to leave it up to them because they seem to spend so much more time on their eyeliner than I do , and because they seem to want it more , and therefore deserve it more. But there's a part of me that feels left out bye myself, a part of me that wants to fight for it. There's a part of me that's itching to be ready for it , for real ready for it , not standing in a phony lounge waiting to be asked out . There's a part of me that wants and believes she could meet him on the dance floor in plaid and screaming the lyrics to "love machine ," and there's a part of me that wants to daydream it , because the ache of being disappointed crushes this girls world , and hurts her heart too much. There's also a part of me that wants to dive in , to fall without caring about more broken bones. There's a part of me that wants to do it like everyone else does it or seems to , not having to know why. There's a part of me that wants to trust so badly she knows how this is going to turn out, so good so good that the waiting could turn out to be the best part. I'm scared about love.

Whip IT good

So , I want to join a roller derby team, and I want my name to be :" Crush em cupcake " Just putting that out there.

The curse of the day of Saturn

Saturday's have been rough days for me these past few months. I don't know what it is about the day. I used to feel that way about Sunday's when I lived in NYC because it meant the week was about start and I never felt ready. Like literally I could never prepare myself for the world awaiting me.
Today I try more to be nicer to myself. To just be enough right now.
But back to Saturdays they have caused me some pain , I seem to crash on this particular day , I am floored by exhaustion or whatever and the idea of just letting myself "rest" is hardly within reach. But I need to rest , as humans we need to take the time to recharge. I feel that my multi tasking skills are so good that even while I'm recharging I'm working, I'm thinking I'm trying to create more. Funny thing is ; Saturday is ruled by the planet Saturn and Saturn represents ; dicipline, and getting shit done. Funny thing is we kinda do that all week , don't we ? And then Saturday rolls around and I feel an even stronger push or urge to get stuff done , but my body disagrees it say's okay , enough! rest time , go eat a cookie and chill out princess.

Templating

I wanted templating to be word ! But it is not . I figured I had to say hi, considering the Blog is looking so fancy all of a sudden. I leave for Chicago in the morning to visit Katie and Randi will be joining us.
Can I just say I hate packing for small trips. I like long ones that take me cross the country for a few months , stuffing my car with everything you could ever need, boy life is good .

Just don't do the next wrong thing

So I'm overwelmed easily it takes everything and nothing for my life to seem unmanagable , completely out of control. It takes a phone call, an unexpected appointment a blank thought, emptiness. God forbid that emptiness. That feeling that there's nothing here I'm sinking down into the earth with out a insight or thought to pass on.
My point tonight , just do the next RIGHT thing .
What is it ? Simple: Take a shower . Brush your teeth. Read your book.
Do not take on the world tonight, Sam. It doesn't need your help at this moment.
They say ( they being someone's name I cannot remember)
" If we take care of the moments , the years will take care of themselves . "
It can be so hard to trust these moments each one linking itself to the giant quilt that is my life . The fabric the pattern always changing, becoming more intricate and precise more individual , more me.
Trust.
Night .

the Me

I sit here eating boiling applesauce with raisins . yes burning my mouth but loving every bite . Wanting to fall into my slumbers sooner than later tonight to be ready for yoga at 6:30 am. I wonder how my life will be , how this story could possibly unfold. Where will I live ? and what will my days be filled with ? Who will I come home to ? Will I have cats or dogs ? It's hard to know these things , because it takes knowing yourself , which I'm discovering daily molds and changes.
I've spent most of my last 23 years , doing the things I thought I should do , the things I thought would make people notice , it's interesting how much the inside is neglected when you're main concern is other's reactions. I guess it's simply me being enough, and even if I don't know me entirely or even a half, that's enough , it's better then leaving myself outside the door.
I watched my brother play basketball tonight and sat next to a cute boy. I sat down next to him and we hit it off and I was excited for a moment. A connection. Someone my age. Into nutrition. Into fitness. I call him a boy although he was my age plus a few.
He was simply a good looking nice guy. I thought about us getting to know each other.I thought about all the basketball games we'd attend. I thought about our simple lives together. I then I for the first time since I opened my mouth to speak to him, I thought about me. The me that was at the game, the me that was getting sleepy , the me that was teaching yoga at the YMCA in the morning, the me that was daily working on herself and learning love for real and for the first time , the kind of love that takes the time it needs. As he walked away to get a hot dog. I saw me there , me alone , and I felt perfectly okay.