Appendix

I used to have this gigantic fear that at any moment my appendix would explode. People worried about that a lot more 10 years ago, now we worry about more sophisticated things. We have apps for our appendixes and GPS for navigating our colons . I am suffering from cramps on the left side of my abdomen, and I went back for a moment to that childhood fear the "explosion." I thought for a moment it would be such a fluke way to die and at the same time hopefully rather painless and quick , which would be nice because the idea of waiting for death ( even though that's what's really going on anyway ) but knowing time , and speaking dying , yea that , it would just be a bummer. Than the first thought to myself if this really is the case was; " I should eat more chocolate chip cookies." I should let myself enjoy heaven on earth. I should let they boy that plays in the dirt and touches me like rain have my heart. I should laugh more. I should cry. I should write and paint and follow my heart even when it's a surprise. I should bake and trust and eat their cooking regardless . I should think more about you and less about me. I should settle in my skin long enough to make space. vast long wide sunsetting space that's not everlasting that's not guaranteed anything but exactly this second.

Relations with humans

It's about relating , but I spend most a lot of time not relating . Complaining , blaming, disappointing, expecting. I see that "relating " can only be positive in order to do it right. It's about sticking my neck out, it's communicating with true words or at least hand signals, it's the other person if not understanding trying to or better yet empathising with. Not in order to be "good" but because they are sharing in this with you. I want to share well most of the time. Sometimes sharing is not my thing, like when I'm starved and the restaurant's pricey and my mom says let's just share, or when I have a chocolate chip cookie and it's melting and gooey and I don't want to spit it in half with you. But I do because it's better shared all of this is , all of this is better shared. Still lived through as this individual whole circle a whole being bumping into your whole being like bumper cars then getting back on the road or court and going for a new ride seeing who else there is to bump into who else can make a tattoo on this heart like stamps and stickers layering until it forms a thick collage a mosaic of life and years .

Grounding

I need to play in the dirt, hug trees , eat more root veggies, stand still, not multi task, drop down to earth, But I am balloon like , floating on air. This is not what I pictured my life to be. But this is it , at least today.
How do I begin to ask for things ? I'm learning I can ask for these things that I want in my life , but I have to be specific and clear, I have to know. But I don't know lots of the time , lots of the time I just don't know yet.
So , what do I do? I float on up in my little red balloon and I ask for it vaguely, using a few key words to summarize something extravagant, something that deserves attention. I get what I asked for , but it's not what I want. The planning, the time, the careful attention did not occur prior to my asking so I wind up realizing it's not really what I truly want.
It's time that is hard, it's waiting to know that is painful , it's the this , and this all disappoints me sometimes.

Bïyan bolzïn

( THANK you for )
1. Fruity gum
2. Being slipped an extra 25 bucks while serving pasta.
3. Movie stars in the grocery store.
4. Hot water and jets .
5. Continual reminders , ones that tell you ' you're okay, and tens minutes later say ' you're still okay.
6. Boston. Chicago. Portland. Philly. NYC.
7. Peoples that I love , peoples that change me .
8. Disease and Faith , Faith being bigger.
9. Fans that rock you to sleep.
10. Good stories .
11. Masters at things to give minions like me advice.
12. Seasons .
13. This Big Blue Book , just knowing it's here.
14. Beautiful women , who inspire me.
15. Push up bras that make you feel like someone else.
16. Hewlett . This HP that gave me something to touch when I couldn't find you in all this space.
17. Burgers with cheese.

The Hungry Caterpillar

So, it's Spring and I'm just feeling different .
It's the bogs of winter undressing, there's been enough soul searching just give me a day at the beach. I wrote you a letter , I will not share on the blog. But I wrote you , yes you, who's out there , you who I haven't met yet. I'm choosing to take my heart out of the frozen food section for some time. I'm choosing to let my day unfold as it will , regardless of me, I'm choosing to tap into the vast ocean that is floating me along. I'm choosing to trust my gut even if I think I should push. I'm choosing to eat cake more , even though sugars not good for me, I'm choosing to mess up enough be human again. I'm choosing to speak up in the elevator that we ride together because you could just be those words that change everything. I'm choosing to trust even when it sucks even when they don't take cash. I'm choosing to look at what I do want , instead of what I don't. I'm choosing to ask for bigger things things I didn't think I could ever have things only the real game players got to have. Guess I'm choosing to be in the game.

Post it !

Wow I don't keep up on my blog. I get distracted bye all there is here. Staying focused on one thing is nearly impossible, I'm learning I'm experiencing severe growing pains. Like the ones I felt in middle school when my thighs started to stretch and my chest grew larger and sore. I know it's detailed, but only because I remember that feeling of stretching skin. It's the same feeling I experience when I learn lessons.
So today was a DAY . Drove to Boston was wait listed 5 hours for an audition I did not make it into the room for. I flew back to the Berkshires for a yoga class no one came to, and from there attempted my 6 mile run as it started to rain I lowered it to 2 miles. I must say this day was not up to me, and If I had been in charge it would not have happened the way it did. As my friend Katie said this morning; " You know when something's supposed to happen it's just easy." That is usually true. Today I believe was supposed to happen , but it certainly did not happen the way I imagined. Maybe I was supposed to meet two angels , enjoy a chai tea across from BU, or maybe I was supposed to sit outside that room and watch actors come in and out and see what I've chosen to call my work, or maybe I was supposed to force myself to the brink so that I could let myself cry from exit 11 to 9 on the mass pike and just get rid of the blues I've been milking for the past week. Let's keep it easy for today.

Day Three

I thought to myself this morning after Biology. That's it 3 days is more than enough for this body. But 20 minutes later I felt fine like I could keep it up. Okay facts : I have a lot less energy. stomach cramps . kinda slow thoughts . slow in general. headaches on and off. But then there's this ease I'm feeling I begin to worry or get caught up and then I just settle and take a little step forward instead of a big one. My reason for doing this is to SLOW down. And the cleanse forces me to , I don't know if that's a good reason to or not and of course I want the physical benefits as well. But I've not taken on so much this week , I've observed more then participated I've listened to the rain and there's been a lot of it. My internal world usually feels in a rush in movement ( DIgestion ? )Normally I have to do yoga instead of want to stop them mind. But I am looking for how to stop the mind from rambling without anything , just me. The thing about me is I change, I am just not always willing to come along for the ride. I want the new thing immediately. It's the body working through stuff , and just leaving it alone, instead of trying to figure it out.
SO for today I'll stick with it . Cayenne pepper and all .