Grounding

I need to play in the dirt, hug trees , eat more root veggies, stand still, not multi task, drop down to earth, But I am balloon like , floating on air. This is not what I pictured my life to be. But this is it , at least today.
How do I begin to ask for things ? I'm learning I can ask for these things that I want in my life , but I have to be specific and clear, I have to know. But I don't know lots of the time , lots of the time I just don't know yet.
So , what do I do? I float on up in my little red balloon and I ask for it vaguely, using a few key words to summarize something extravagant, something that deserves attention. I get what I asked for , but it's not what I want. The planning, the time, the careful attention did not occur prior to my asking so I wind up realizing it's not really what I truly want.
It's time that is hard, it's waiting to know that is painful , it's the this , and this all disappoints me sometimes.

Bïyan bolzïn

( THANK you for )
1. Fruity gum
2. Being slipped an extra 25 bucks while serving pasta.
3. Movie stars in the grocery store.
4. Hot water and jets .
5. Continual reminders , ones that tell you ' you're okay, and tens minutes later say ' you're still okay.
6. Boston. Chicago. Portland. Philly. NYC.
7. Peoples that I love , peoples that change me .
8. Disease and Faith , Faith being bigger.
9. Fans that rock you to sleep.
10. Good stories .
11. Masters at things to give minions like me advice.
12. Seasons .
13. This Big Blue Book , just knowing it's here.
14. Beautiful women , who inspire me.
15. Push up bras that make you feel like someone else.
16. Hewlett . This HP that gave me something to touch when I couldn't find you in all this space.
17. Burgers with cheese.

The Hungry Caterpillar

So, it's Spring and I'm just feeling different .
It's the bogs of winter undressing, there's been enough soul searching just give me a day at the beach. I wrote you a letter , I will not share on the blog. But I wrote you , yes you, who's out there , you who I haven't met yet. I'm choosing to take my heart out of the frozen food section for some time. I'm choosing to let my day unfold as it will , regardless of me, I'm choosing to tap into the vast ocean that is floating me along. I'm choosing to trust my gut even if I think I should push. I'm choosing to eat cake more , even though sugars not good for me, I'm choosing to mess up enough be human again. I'm choosing to speak up in the elevator that we ride together because you could just be those words that change everything. I'm choosing to trust even when it sucks even when they don't take cash. I'm choosing to look at what I do want , instead of what I don't. I'm choosing to ask for bigger things things I didn't think I could ever have things only the real game players got to have. Guess I'm choosing to be in the game.

Post it !

Wow I don't keep up on my blog. I get distracted bye all there is here. Staying focused on one thing is nearly impossible, I'm learning I'm experiencing severe growing pains. Like the ones I felt in middle school when my thighs started to stretch and my chest grew larger and sore. I know it's detailed, but only because I remember that feeling of stretching skin. It's the same feeling I experience when I learn lessons.
So today was a DAY . Drove to Boston was wait listed 5 hours for an audition I did not make it into the room for. I flew back to the Berkshires for a yoga class no one came to, and from there attempted my 6 mile run as it started to rain I lowered it to 2 miles. I must say this day was not up to me, and If I had been in charge it would not have happened the way it did. As my friend Katie said this morning; " You know when something's supposed to happen it's just easy." That is usually true. Today I believe was supposed to happen , but it certainly did not happen the way I imagined. Maybe I was supposed to meet two angels , enjoy a chai tea across from BU, or maybe I was supposed to sit outside that room and watch actors come in and out and see what I've chosen to call my work, or maybe I was supposed to force myself to the brink so that I could let myself cry from exit 11 to 9 on the mass pike and just get rid of the blues I've been milking for the past week. Let's keep it easy for today.

Day Three

I thought to myself this morning after Biology. That's it 3 days is more than enough for this body. But 20 minutes later I felt fine like I could keep it up. Okay facts : I have a lot less energy. stomach cramps . kinda slow thoughts . slow in general. headaches on and off. But then there's this ease I'm feeling I begin to worry or get caught up and then I just settle and take a little step forward instead of a big one. My reason for doing this is to SLOW down. And the cleanse forces me to , I don't know if that's a good reason to or not and of course I want the physical benefits as well. But I've not taken on so much this week , I've observed more then participated I've listened to the rain and there's been a lot of it. My internal world usually feels in a rush in movement ( DIgestion ? )Normally I have to do yoga instead of want to stop them mind. But I am looking for how to stop the mind from rambling without anything , just me. The thing about me is I change, I am just not always willing to come along for the ride. I want the new thing immediately. It's the body working through stuff , and just leaving it alone, instead of trying to figure it out.
SO for today I'll stick with it . Cayenne pepper and all .

The Master Cleanse Day One

Just the title feels out of my league. The word master frightens me , I don't want to be a master at anything that I think would make me mean and kinda a bitch. But, I am embarking on this cleanse this week . My reasons for it are not exactly sure yet. I worried over it all week and decided to let myself decide when the day came , If I was feeling like it was a good idea or not . I woke up this morning and thought ; " Yea why not " So I'm on my 3rd glass of water, maple syrup , cayenne pepper and lemon juice. It's actually quite yummy , I probably won't be saying that in 4 days. My goal is 5 days , but we will see. I am taking it in steps.
Before I started I gave up caffeine and that was the worst headaches ever! But , now the fog is lifting and I'm over the caffeine withdrawal hump I must say that coffee Is such a hard one for me I want to love it and cherish it and sip it like a hummingbird but I become I gulper and I long for it and drink it more and more until I feel myself turning into a crisp espresso bean. I can feel my teeth and tounge coated in it's pungency. I've never been good at moderation. We'll see how I do with the "Lemonade " (That's what the master calls it. )

"When I'm not doing something that comes deeply from me, I get bored. When I get bored I get distracted and when I get distracted, I become depressed. It's a natural resistance, and it insures your integrity."