What I don't want .. .

I went through a mid life crisis. a breakdown in my early twenties.. it was only two and a half years ago that it took place . .Details unnecessary, but I like to from this place in my life measure ' my new life, from that point, two and a half years ago . So having said that you could consider me ; two and a half years old .
Anyway I was thinking about my life today and how I don't know what I want to be.. In my two and a half years all I have really begun to see is what I don't want my life to be. . I thought I'd make a list, because I like lists and they somehow make things look clearer to me . . so that maybe I will be on my way to getting it right .. or a little more right once I turn three. .
1. I don't want to live in the Berkshires
2. I don't think I want to live in nYc either..
3. I don't want to be a crazy NY actor, waiting in lines to be seen, working on commercials, and stapling my resume to my forehead on 42ND Street.
4. I don't want to settle for love.
5. I don't want to live in a gross house with people who don't clean up after themselves and who don't care about things looking good and feeling good.
6. I don't want to work for a company that doesn't respect and value having me..
7. I don't want relationships that aren't based on love and growth teaching one another.
8. I don't want a drama filled life. . I don't really care for the glamor and glitz , I want to live in a beautiful place and bake .
9. I don't want to live where it's cold and where the sun doesn't shine for 4 months .
10. I don't want to be so independent and 'on my own' with everything I take on in my life.
11. I don't want to feel the need to go so fast, work out so hard, and eat so much. I want to soften and quiet my speed.
12. i don't want to liv mindlessly and I don't want to work with people who are.
13. I don't want to rush these processes, no matter how gruelling . . I want to savor them so that I can see larger tommorow .

Do your dishes !

Quick update...I'm addicted to showtime shows .. I ate popcorn for dinner. my butt is back. I'm playing Ophelia. . I'm living in a house with slobs.I am uncomfortable a little We are creatures who like to know. I am uncomfortable not knowing .. I don't think I ever know really, but lots of days I'm busy enough to think I know. I may go live in a tent for the summer.. I never thought I'd be doing that, but my belly cries out for kettle corn and licorice for dinner tonight and I'm following it. I'm getting tired of fighting the truth of what I want ... Taking a leap of faith diving into the gifts that only magic holds. I do believe in fairies I Do I DO !

A bridge does not move.

I arrived here yesterday . Back in the big apple . I am here for a reason . Yet my days are not quite clear. I realized after unpacking clearing out the dust of my sublets room , wherever I go there I am. I ran . I ate tuna. I wrote emails to people . I connected with beings as much as I could. I went down by the Hudson a sat on a rock . Nature spots follow me . I am lucky beyond measure for that gift. I looked down at lower Manhattan and I sat on that rock , thinking how many times have I sat on this rock , with these questions, and how many more times in this life will I revisit this rock. in cities towns lakes islands around the world I revisit this rock and I revisit this question ; what now ? I sit there for what seems like an eternity and then I come back to myself my breath and I walk away .
This bridge that I look out on ; The George Washington Bridge from my widow the one that lights up at night like my eyes every time I fall in love. lately.
I walked towards this bridge last night, towards this new address I get to cal home , for a time . I saw that that bridge does not move. I move . but the bridge does not. I can look at it and see that I am existing amongst all this life force solid rooted doing it's job. carrying . holding me tight.

Watermelons

I buy a new watermelon every couple of days lately . I eat the whole thing within a two day period . I like watermelons, it's almost as good as cake and doesn't give you love handles . So I go to the Super Stop & Shop (there are a few around here so it depends which one I'm closest to. ) I pick one out and I smack on it , supposedly you want it to not be hollow that's one of the tricks I've learned from the bearded produce men. I bring the watermelon up to him , yes I choose the men because in my mind they know their watermelons and because they will do what I want more than women will . He takes it back cuts it in half to see if it's that rosy darling color you wish you're lips could pucker up to without any lipstick. Once cut he wraps it up in halves and together and I bring it up to the cashier get rung up to a delightful 4.99 and continue my travels.
Watermelon is one of the many highlights of my summer. I indulge in these things because I have to, because I have a sweet tooth that would make me 400 lbs if I didn't keep it on a leash. I strap my watermelon into the passenger seat with me, and look over and pat it's belly. thank you I say.

.. So I trust too.

I'm here to tell stories .
I am here to acknowledges you as part of me. I am here to fall in love. I am here to make use of these hands this body, voice and mind. I am here to question solve and ask again . I am here to fail miserably . I am here to laugh. I am here to be called out on my shit . Movement is all I ask for , continuous flow , in stillness, in running up hills , in text , Movement closer to love .
Happiness hit her like a train her heart is more opened more than she knew presently possible.
She saw for the first time , this was all possible , and not just possible but a duty. A place to head out towards to follow , the dog days are over , there is somewhere for me to be.

Appendix

I used to have this gigantic fear that at any moment my appendix would explode. People worried about that a lot more 10 years ago, now we worry about more sophisticated things. We have apps for our appendixes and GPS for navigating our colons . I am suffering from cramps on the left side of my abdomen, and I went back for a moment to that childhood fear the "explosion." I thought for a moment it would be such a fluke way to die and at the same time hopefully rather painless and quick , which would be nice because the idea of waiting for death ( even though that's what's really going on anyway ) but knowing time , and speaking dying , yea that , it would just be a bummer. Than the first thought to myself if this really is the case was; " I should eat more chocolate chip cookies." I should let myself enjoy heaven on earth. I should let they boy that plays in the dirt and touches me like rain have my heart. I should laugh more. I should cry. I should write and paint and follow my heart even when it's a surprise. I should bake and trust and eat their cooking regardless . I should think more about you and less about me. I should settle in my skin long enough to make space. vast long wide sunsetting space that's not everlasting that's not guaranteed anything but exactly this second.

Relations with humans

It's about relating , but I spend most a lot of time not relating . Complaining , blaming, disappointing, expecting. I see that "relating " can only be positive in order to do it right. It's about sticking my neck out, it's communicating with true words or at least hand signals, it's the other person if not understanding trying to or better yet empathising with. Not in order to be "good" but because they are sharing in this with you. I want to share well most of the time. Sometimes sharing is not my thing, like when I'm starved and the restaurant's pricey and my mom says let's just share, or when I have a chocolate chip cookie and it's melting and gooey and I don't want to spit it in half with you. But I do because it's better shared all of this is , all of this is better shared. Still lived through as this individual whole circle a whole being bumping into your whole being like bumper cars then getting back on the road or court and going for a new ride seeing who else there is to bump into who else can make a tattoo on this heart like stamps and stickers layering until it forms a thick collage a mosaic of life and years .